Co-Parenting Post-Divorce: Compromise Isn't Optional
The parenting journey is notably enriched with challenges, achievements, and constant learning. For divorced parents, this journey takes on additional complexity. Dissolving a marital relationship does not end the shared responsibility of raising a child. In this context, compromise emerges not just as a valuable skill but as a necessary foundation for the co-parenting relationship moving forward. Looking at circumstances from the other parent's point of view, treating them with respect as a co-parent, and letting go of the reasons you divorced are gifts you will give your child, not your ex.
Note: This article is written with the understanding that a legal joint parenting relationship exists, and that no abuse within the family has been documented. If your particular circumstances include a history of abuse, it is strongly recommended that you consult with a qualified professional.
Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Children
Divorce significantly impacts children, and can affect their emotional well-being, academic performance, and social interactions. During and after the divorce process, children may experience feelings of loss, anger, confusion, and insecurity. As therapists, we emphasize the importance of parents maintaining a united front in their commitment to their child's welfare. The ability to compromise and make decisions collectively is crucial in mitigating the potential adverse effects of divorce on children. It's not surprising that children inherently love both parents, and that they may not truly understand why the divorce was necessary. Their point of view is completely different, and it is good to keep this in mind, so that as adults, we do not verbally or emotionally put too much of our own personal struggle on them. The relationship between parent and child is different than that between parents. As much as is safe, reasonable and realistic, give children the opportunity to keep the other parent in their lives.
The Importance of Compromise in Co-Parenting
For a moment, let's remove the divorce from your parenting circumstance and imagine you're still together with your spouse in wonderful bliss. Under that circumstance, ask yourself if compromise and inclusion are essential to your long-term parenting and marital relationship? In a well adjusted two parent family, both parents contribute to the upbringing of their children. Generally, that is what we as parents are intending for our family. In a two household parenting situation, cooperation and compromise become even more important.
Compromise in co-parenting involves finding a middle ground and making concessions to ensure the best outcomes for your child. It's about prioritizing your child's needs above personal differences. Here are several reasons why cooperation and compromise are essential in the co-parenting journey:
Stability and Consistency: Children thrive in stable and predictable environments. Compromising on parenting schedules, routines, and discipline methods helps provide the consistency children need to feel secure.
Modeling Healthy Relationships: Through compromise, parents can model effective communication, problem-solving, and emotional regulation skills. These are valuable life lessons that children can carry into their own relationships. It takes maturity to agree to disagree, and to inhibit the urge to blast opinions either verbally or non-verbally.
Reducing Conflict: By choosing to compromise, parents can reduce the level of conflict and tension that their child is exposed to. A more peaceful and cooperative co-parenting relationship contributes to a child's sense of safety and well-being. No one benefits from having excessive amounts of cortisol (stress hormone) flowing through their bodies.
Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting
Open Communication: Establish open lines of communication about parenting. Be clear, respectful, and honest in your interactions. Listening actively to the other parent's perspectives is as important as having the opportunity to express yourself, but this does not need to happen within earshot of your child or children.
Focus on the Child's Needs: Focus on what is best for your child. This perspective can help shift the discussion from personal grievances to mutual goals, and helps move beyond pettiness or retaliation.
Flexible Planning: Be willing to adapt and adjust plans as needed. Life is unpredictable, and flexibility can prevent conflicts and misunderstandings.
Seek Support: If negotiations reach an impasse, don't hesitate to seek support from a mediator, therapist, or co-parenting counselor. Professional guidance can provide strategies for effective compromise and communication.
In most situations, divorce doesn't take away the rights of the other parent, or give one parent all the power. In fact, it can be far more challenging for both parents to find a way to agree and cooperate in co-parenting. Since the carrot of a stable marriage is off the table, and your former partner is legally endowed with equal rights to love, parent, raise and advise your child, just as you do, it is all the more important to pony up and decide to strike a cooperative effort that you know will only help your child thrive more in the long run. Focusing on the “big picture,” the health and stability of your shared child or children depends greatly on how you decide to interact, communicate and cooperate in the co-parenting experience.
Kimberley Arnett-DeSimone, a career pediatric occupational therapist in Huntersville, North Carolina, authored this post.
