What Is Self Regulation
Tips For Parents To Help Your Child Self-Regulate
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in response to what is happening in the surrounding environment. Understanding and supporting your child's self-regulating ability can be both challenging and rewarding. This article discusses how to identify if your child is having challenges in self regulation, and actionable steps you can take to support your child’s development in this area.
What is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is how individuals control their behavior, emotions, and thoughts, in order to be able to function adaptively in daily activities. It involves being able to resist or inhibit impulses and temptations that create disorganization and lead to chaos. It involves being aware of oneself and one's surroundings, managing disruptive emotions and impulses, and self-motivating to solve problems or complete tasks. Self-regulation requires use of the pre-frontal cortex and executive functions.
Identifying Challenges in Self-Regulation
Children develop self-regulation skills at different rates, and it's normal for them to struggle with these abilities at various stages, often into adulthood. However, some children may face more significant challenges in self-regulation than others. Signs that a child might be struggling include:
Difficulty managing emotions: Frequent and intense tantrums beyond what is considered age appropriate, meltdowns, or being easily overwhelmed by emotions can indicate challenges in regulation.
Impulsive behavior: Acting without thinking about the consequences, or a striking inability to wait their turn.
Trouble focusing: Difficulty paying attention or completing tasks, even when they can understand the required task, because they are in a disorganized state.
Social challenges: Struggling to make or maintain friendships because they have difficulty sharing, taking turns, or understanding others' feelings and reactions.
Example Scenarios:
Frustration with Homework:
Let's consider managing frustration during homework time, a common scenario in which children might struggle with self-regulation.
The Issue: Alex, a 9-year-old, has difficulty with math homework. Whenever he encounters a challenging problem, he quickly becomes frustrated, sometimes throwing his pencil down, tearing up his homework, or shouting, "I can't do this!"
Big Emotions Interfering:
The Issue: Peter, a 4 year old, is running circles around the room, tossing whatever toy he comes across. He just got home after preschool, and his two siblings are taking up mom’s time and attention, leaving him feeling big emotions on the inside that he does not understand or know how to express. Peter is too young to realize what his body needs, and he does not have the vocabulary to verbalize what he is feeling. He held it together all day at preschool, but it wasn’t easy. Now that he is home in his “safe” place, he can unwind, except instead of relaxing, he appears to be revving up and becoming more and more dys-regulated, until either he or one of his siblings ends up in big tears.
Steps for Parents to Help:
1. Recognize the Emotion(s) and Label Them
Parent Action: Observe and acknowledge the Emotions
Identify and offer vocabulary for Alex's frustration, without judgment. Say something like, "It looks like this math problem is frustrating you. It’s okay to feel upset."
Identify and offer vocabulary for Peter’s behavior to find out what emotions and thoughts are underlying the behavior. Say something like, “It looks like your body needs to get the wiggles out. See if you can be a wiggle worm and crawl through this tunnel, pillow pit, fort, or obstacle course.”
2. Model Calmness
Parent Action: Stay calm and composed. Demonstrating your regulation of emotions provides a model for your child at any age to emulate. Use a quiet voice and relaxed body language. The more we communicate gentle love and acceptance, the sooner a child can feel calm.
3. Identify the Trigger
Parent Action: Help Alex identify what precisely about the homework is frustrating him. Ask questions like, "Can you show me which part is the toughest?"
Parent Action: After belly crawling through the pillow pile and emerging on the other side, offer a big open mouth exhale and comment something like, “Boy does it feel good to get those wiggles out with you. I had a big day. Did you have a big day too?” Let him know how nice it is to be together again.
4. Teach and Practice Problem-Solving Skills
Parent Action: Encourage Alex to think of possible solutions. You could say, "Let’s brainstorm together. What are some ways we can tackle this problem?" Suggestions like breaking the problem down into smaller steps or looking at an example from class.
Parent Action: Show Peter how being physically active (crawling through the tunnel) helps his body relax. This may be a good time to introduce a story, perhaps about how to handle emotions.
5. Introduce Calming Techniques
Parent Action: Teach Alex simple calming strategies he can use when he feels frustrated. This could include taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or taking a short break from the math, and then returning to it refreshed. Practice these techniques together during a calm moment, not just in frustration.
Parent Action: After getting the wiggles out, join Peter in a resistive play activity such as working with play dough, kinetic sand, or putty. While engaged with the sensory play, talk about your own big feelings and how you know calm feelings will return. Reassurance goes a long way.
6. Set Up a Positive Environment
Parent Action: Create a homework routine that minimizes frustration. This might involve ensuring Alex has a quiet, comfortable workplace, starting homework after a snack or short break, and breaking homework into manageable segments.
Parent Action: Plan for some special 1:1 time after exhausting outings such as preschool. Include full body movement, an oral motor activity such as blowing bubbles, and resistive play with sensory bins.
7. Praise Effort Over Perfection
Parent Action: Recognize and praise Alex's effort, resilience, and any use of strategies to manage his frustration rather than just the correctness of his homework answers. Say something like, "I’m proud of you for taking a deep breath and trying again. That’s a great way to handle frustration."
Parent Action: Praise Peter by acknowledging how his body calmed as he played with the play dough or other resistive material. This helps him realize what a calm body feels like, and shows him a way to get to that calm, organized state.
8. Collaborate on a Plan
Parent Action: Work with Alex to develop a plan for what he can do the next time he feels this way. Having a plan can help him feel more in control and prepared.
Parent Action: Make a three to four step visual map (line drawings are simple and suffice) to show Peter the steps: for example in picture one he is coming home from preschool, in picture two he is eating a chewy snack, in picture three he is playing with dough, and in picture four he is smiling and looking calm.
Self-Regulation Tips
Here are some steps to help guide you in helping your child.
1. Model Self-Regulation
Children learn a great deal from observing the adults around them. You provide a powerful example for your child to emulate by managing your emotions and demonstrating self-regulation daily.
2. Establish Routines
Routines provide structure and predictability, which can help children feel more secure and reduce anxiety. This stability can make it easier for them to practice self-regulation.
3. Encourage Play
Play is a natural way for children to learn self-regulation. Games that involve taking turns, following rules, or solving problems can notably support the development of these skills.
4. Teach Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
Mindfulness can help children become more aware of their thoughts and feelings. Techniques such as deep breathing, guided imagery, or simple yoga can teach them how to calm their bodies and minds.
5. Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledging your child's feelings and offering empathy can help them feel understood and less overwhelmed. This validation teaches them to identify and manage their emotions early and effectively.
6. Use Positive Reinforcement
Praise and reward your child for successful self-regulation attempts. Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue using these skills.
7. Set Clear Expectations and Consequences
Children need to understand what is expected of them and the consequences of their actions. This clarity helps them make better choices and practice self-regulation.
8. Provide Opportunities for Decision Making
Allowing your child to make choices breeds independence and self-confidence. It also offers them opportunities to practice regulating their desires and impulses.
9. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If your child struggles significantly with self-regulation, consulting a pediatrician or occupational therapist might be helpful. These professionals can offer tailored strategies and support.
Kimberley Arnett-DeSimone, a career pediatric occupational therapist in Huntersville, North Carolina, authored this post.
