How to Talk To Kids
The Art of Communicating with Your Child
One of our most important roles as parents is being our children's primary communicators and educators. The way we talk to them—from infancy through adolescence—lays the foundation for their emotional intelligence, self-esteem, and perception of the world around them. Understanding and implementing best communication practices can significantly impact your child's development. Here are my thoughts from working with children for over thirty-five years.
For All Ages: The Cornerstones of Communication
Listen Actively: Before you talk, listen. Show your child that their thoughts and feelings are important by giving them your full attention, making eye contact, and responding, affirming your engagement.
Empathy is Key: Try to put yourself in your child's shoes. Understanding their perspective can help you respond more effectively and compassionately.
Be Honest: Children deserve honesty. Tailor your honesty to their age level, ensuring it's digestible and not overwhelming, but avoid outright deceit.
Consistency Matters: Consistency in your reactions and feedback helps children feel secure and understand boundaries. This doesn't mean being inflexible but rather reliable in your responses.
Tailoring Communication by Age Group
Infants (0-1 year):
Non-Verbal Cues: Your infant relies on your tone, facial expressions, and touch. Gentle handling, smiling, and soothing tones provide comfort and security.
Simple Language: Even before speaking, infants benefit from hearing language. Narrate your actions and their environment to help with language acquisition.
Toddlers (1-3 years):
Simple Choices: Offer choices to allow independence, but keep them simple. For example, "Would you like apples or bananas?"
Clear, Positive Instructions: Instead of saying, "Don't run," try "Please walk." Positive phrasing is more direct and easier for a toddler to follow.
Preschool (3-5 years):
Why Questions: At this age, children are full of "why" questions. Engage these inquiries with patience and enthusiasm to encourage curiosity and learning.
Feelings Talk: Help them name their feelings and express them appropriately. "It seems like you're feeling upset because your toy broke. That's okay; it's normal to feel sad when that happens."
School-Age (6-12 years):
Problem-Solving Together: Encourage them to come up with solutions to problems and discuss options together. This builds critical thinking and decision-making skills.
Respect Them and Their Privacy: As they grow, so does their need for privacy. Show respect for their personal space and belongings, asking permission before entering their room or going through their things. Statements like "This is my house, so these are my rules" will not work at any age, so don't say them. If you want them to care about their family, friends, school, and so on, allow them to take ownership of these important parts of their lives.
Teenagers (13-18 years):
Open-Ended Questions: Encourage dialogue by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. For example, "What was the best part of your day?"
Respect Their Opinions: Even if you disagree, listen to their point of view. Acknowledge their feelings and provide guidance that respects their growing autonomy.
Discuss Boundaries: Clearly communicate expectations and boundaries, including consequences. Involve them in these discussions and work with them to better understand their and your points of view regarding why these boundaries exist.
Universal Tips for Effective Communication
Model the Behavior You Seek: Children learn by example. The way you communicate with others is how they'll learn to communicate.
Adapt and Grow: As your child grows, so should your communication strategies. Be willing to learn and adapt alongside them.
Seek Support: If communication challenges that seem beyond your scope arise, don't hesitate to seek support from professionals like pediatric therapists, counselors, or advice from trusted friends.
Effective communication with your child is a dynamic and evolving journey. By listening actively, showing empathy and consistency, and adjusting your strategies as they grow, you can enjoy a relationship built on mutual respect, understanding, and love. This foundation supports their emotional and social development and strengthens your bond with them throughout the years. You may even become close lifelong friends rather than just family.
The Dark Side: What Not to Do and Why
In complement to these concepts, it's equally important to recognize and avoid certain communication pitfalls that can hinder the development of a healthy, respectful relationship with your child. Here's an outline of what not to do when talking to your child and why these approaches can be detrimental.
Avoiding Negative Communication Patterns
Do Not Dismiss Their Feelings: Dismissing or belittling your child's feelings can leave them feeling misunderstood and undervalued. Instead, validate their emotions, showing them it's okay to feel and express themselves. Avoid interactions that make them feel shamed, as this is not a productive mindset.
Avoid Overreacting: High emotional reactions can scare or intimidate a child, making them less likely to come to you with problems or concerns in the future. Strive for calm and composed responses.
Don't Rely Solely on Discipline: While setting boundaries is essential, overemphasizing discipline without understanding or addressing the underlying issue can lead to rebellion and closed communication. Balance is key.
Never Compare Siblings: Comparisons will create rivalry and damage self-esteem. Celebrate each child's individuality and achievements without making comparisons.
Avoid Interrupting: Cutting off your child while speaking sends the message that what they have to say isn't valued. Practice patience and give them time to express themselves fully.
Understanding the Impact
Emotional Alienation: Negative communication patterns can lead to a child feeling emotionally distanced from their parents. This can impact their willingness to share feelings and experiences, diminishing trust and openness in the relationship.
Behavioral Issues: Children who feel misunderstood or undervalued may exhibit behavioral problems as a form of expressing their frustration or gaining negative attention.
Impaired Social Skills: Children learn to interact with others primarily through family dynamics. Negative communication practices can impair their ability to form healthy relationships outside the home.
Low Self-Esteem: Continuous negative feedback, comparisons, or dismissal of feelings can contribute to a child developing low self-esteem and self-worth.
A Constructive Path Forward
Be nice to your kids, be a role model for them, and first think, "How can I handle this challenge or communication and help my child in a positive way?" before you dish out the "rules and consequences."
Kimberley Arnett-DeSimone, a career pediatric occupational therapist in Huntersville, North Carolina, authored this post.
