Helping Siblings Get Along
Oh, the joys and challenges of parenting, especially when your household feels more like a battlefield than a peaceful sanctuary because your kids can't seem to get along. It's a story as old as time, but that doesn't make it any easier when you're the one living it. Well, let's sit down and chat about how you can help your kids build a bridge over their troubled waters.
Understanding the Why Behind the Warfare
Let's understand why your little ones might not see eye to eye. It could be a battle for your attention, differing personalities, or maybe they're just bored, and you're the lucky audience to their improvised drama series. Whatever the reason, understanding the root can help in finding the right approach to encourage harmony. First things first, let’s get the obvious out of the way. Have you set up a family dynamic that isn’t combative? No matter what you say, it’s all about what you do that matters, and role models are incredibly effective for children. So take pause to reflect on whether you are setting a calm example of how to manage the day to day irritants that we all face.
Embrace Their Uniqueness
Remember, each child is a unique little human with likes, dislikes, and needs. Comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges—both are fruit but vastly different. Celebrate their individuality and ensure they know how much you cherish what makes them unique. This can help them appreciate their differences as strengths rather than reasons for conflict. If your daughter is yelling from the back seat, “Mom, Kody is making too much noise!” You can simply reply, “You’re right that is a lot of noise. Now what is something positive you can say about your brother?” Acknowledge what they are saying, and show them how to move forward to a more positive thinking strategy. Then perhaps suggest they play “Name That Tune.”
Quality Time Counts
Spending one-on-one time with each child can do wonders. It shows them they're valued and loved for who they are, separately from their sibling. This doesn't have to be a grand outing; even a walk around the block or a special bedtime story can make a big difference in how they feel about themselves, and each other. Put this on the weekly schedule, to show its importance.
Teach Conflict Resolution Skills
Kids aren't born knowing how to resolve conflicts; it's something they learn. And who better to teach them than you? Guide them through expressing their feelings using "I" statements, listening to each other, and finding a compromise. Role-playing can be a fun and effective way to practice these skills.
Children learn to embrace ownership early in life and set up personal rules that can often carry an immature set of expectations for boundaries with siblings. As the parent, you can help siblings openly discuss who owns what, and what the house rules are in regards to sharing space, toys, and other items. What are the rules for entering someone else’s room or space? Is it necessary to ask permission before borrowing your sibling's stuff? How do you feel when your sibling respects your space?
It’s helpful to set up meaningful boundaries that respect ownership where needed, early on. That can prevent chaos when kids attempt to establish their own boundaries, which can escalate into conflict. Having clearly delineating house rules can also mitigate those conflicts when they do occur.
Create Opportunities for Teamwork
Nothing brings people together like a common goal. Find activities that require your kids to work as a team. It could be something as simple as building a fort, putting on a play, or completing a puzzle. These cooperative activities can help them see the value of working together and might even lead to some laughter.
It’s important to identify each person’s role in team play, to avoid conflict. Make sure they know who is responsible for what. For example, the older sibling could be responsible for safety; whereas, the younger child could be the collector of things for the team. Giving each child a job will reduce stress during playtime, as each child feels valued in the play experience. It can be a good idea to vary their roles, to teach flexibility. Everyone needs to learn both how to lead and how to follow someone else’s lead.
Keep the Dialogue Open
Encourage open and honest communication in your household. Let your kids know it's okay to express their feelings and that there's always room for discussion. This openness can prevent misunderstandings and grudges from taking root, and teach them the value of talking things through. Some families prefer to have weekly “family meetings,” while others feel more comfortable having a daily check in, perhaps at the dinner table.
When to Seek Help
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things don't improve, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you've failed; it just means you might need extra support. If the conflicts between your children are intense or persistent, seeking guidance from a professional specializing in family dynamics can be helpful.
Raising siblings who don't get along is challenging, but it's also an opportunity for growth—for them and for you. By understanding the roots of their conflicts, valuing their individuality, teaching them effective life skills, and leading by example, you can help them build a stronger, more loving relationship. There is truth to the statement, “It takes a village to raise a child.”
Kimberley Arnett-DeSimone, a career pediatric occupational therapist in Huntersville, North Carolina, authored this post.
