How to Respond to Your Child’s Tantrums
Tantrums
While there are many reasons for tantrums, they often make more sense to toddlers than adults. The reason is that the child has underlying thwarted expectations, and they may be unable to express the conflict they are experiencing inside. They can simultaneously want to be independent but also be afraid of being unable to do some things for themselves. Tantrums, especially frequent tantrums, can make a parent feel helpless in calming their child. While this development phase is typical, it is no less alarming when going through it. Parents may question their skills and feel embarrassed when public tantrums occur. Because parents are the older, more mature part of the equation, it is up to parents to demonstrate, through example, how to handle stressful situations calmly. Easier said than done sometimes, but possible, and here is how to cultivate that calm frame of mind.
Having a plan for how to respond is key.
Priority 1: Stay Calm and demonstrate calmness by taking deep breaths. You can do this with closed eyes, provided your child is safe.
Priority 2: Make sure your child is safe (this is really Number 1, but be calm while doing this).
Priority 3: Give your child space to work through the big emotions - Resist the urge to reprimand or discuss the situation in the moment.
Priority 4: Resume Calmness: play soft instrumental music, dim the lights, make things quiet, close the curtains, turn off the television, decrease stimulation, or change environments
Priority 5: Wait. Your child has a different sense of time than you do. That's okay. Give your child the space and opportunity to master complicated feelings. Provide emotional support (a blanket, teddy, or other item) so they can learn to help themselves become resilient. Be resourceful.
Priority 6: Resist the urge to talk. A warm smile is a nonverbal way to convey calm feelings of love to your child.
Priority 7: Approach and express compassion and acceptance verbally only when the tantrum has finished. Acknowledge how horrible it must have felt to be so upset. Empathize with their struggle.
Priority 8: Distract them with a calming activity. Heavy work for the hands or the whole body is an excellent way to reset the system.
Priority 9: Praise your child's success at self-control and resiliency.
Priority 10: Only after you have recovered from the episode should you review what happened and examine what the next step should be or what changes are needed.
Over-stimulation
1. Learn to recognize the first signs of over-stimulation.
2. Take a break: allow time to recover.
3. Reduce unnecessary stimulation.
4. Provide buffers when possible.
5. Constantly review how your child handles the amount, intensity, duration, and frequency of stimulation throughout the day.
Big Emotions
1. Name Emotions: Happy, Sad, Excited, Surprised, Bored, Worried, Angry, Frustrated, Afraid, Curious, Proud, Loving.
2. Recognize your sensitive child will pick up on your cues, so do not react in a big way. The less you show exasperation, the better.
3. Empathize without taking on the emotion. Reinforce that this, too, will pass, and happiness will return.
4. Stay in control and focus on the big picture.
5. Get at eye level and connect with your child to help them co-regulate.
6. Know when a hands-off approach is best.
7. Use a gentle but firm touch when providing a touch cue. Be careful not to jerk, pull, or tickle.
8. Guard your tone of voice and expression—they speak more than your words. Your emotional state is one of your child's most potent sources of stimulation or regulation.
8A. Speak slowly and limit your words. Let your child have a chance to stop screaming and start thinking. Don't demand a response.
9. Avoid triggers once you know what they are. There is time later, when your child is a little older, to teach them to handle feeling negative emotions such as frustration.
10. Balance activity with downtime.
When the Tantrum Won't Stop
1. Get help from another adult when you need a break to keep calm.
2. Avoid talking. Instead, place a plate of crunchy food and a cup of water within reach.
3. Provide sensory options: bubble bath, swimming pool, swing, music, play dough, kinetic sand, yoga for kids
4. Set limits firmly but calmly.
5. Wait until both of you are calm before determining if a consequence is necessary. If your child was overstimulated, the negative experience may be discipline enough. Allow them time to cool down. Addressing it in the moment that it occurs is not required.
6. Work as a team member so your child feels you are on their side, and try to find out the real issue behind the tantrum so you can find ways to meet the actual need.
7. Take Deep Breaths!
Kimberley Arnett-DeSimone, a career pediatric occupational therapist in Huntersville, North Carolina, authored this post.
